Bakit ba ganoon ang mga tao? Hindi naman dahil sa nakakaraos kami ng konti eh nais nyo na kaming hilain pababa, umiiral na naman ang crab mentality nyo.

I could not help but stare as you smiled at me. You are not good looking (in my opinion) yet that smile of yours is able to make my heart skip a beat. I don’t want to fall in love with you. I really don’t, but no matter how much I deny it, I can’t fool myself. I have already fallen.

Fate is really playful. I believe in fate to some certain extent, when it comes to love, destiny intervenes a lot! Actually, I’m just looking for something to blame because I don’t want to accept the fact that I have fallen for you. It is so frustrating! Yes! Loving you is really frustrating because I cannot find a single reason as to why I have fallen when you’re not even my type! You ruined everything! Some of my actions are even unjustifiable.

My words won’t even come out right whenever you talk to me. I hate looking like a fool in front of anyone, especially on front of you, and whenever I make a fool of my self, I try to cover it by acting cute but I don’t think that it works because you would just laugh every single time! And you don’t even like me.

I’m not even close to your ideal girl. I’m short, I’m definitely not skinny (not even sexy), I’m average in terms of looks, I don’t pay attention to fashion, and you don’t look at me the way you look at other girls. If I were pretty, then I guess you would consider looking at me. Unfortunately I’m not.

This silliness needs to stop.

I have always acted childlike in front of my parents. They tolerate it and things usually end up really fun and laughters would fill our living room. My family and I are really close, I am usually in their room bugging them to let me sleep there; as always, they would reject and tell me to go to my room since I am old. I would tell them that there is a ghost in my room but my mum would say that it will not devour me therefore I am safe. 

It kind of hit me: when I was young, I would cling to my mum whenever I had nightmares, she would hug me till I fall asleep, and when I woke up, voila! The sun was shining. I didn’t have much worries yet they made me feel protected, but now that I have so much worries and would cry myself to sleep, they would not even notice. It sucks to be old!

A lot of things happened today. I can’t even begin to rank which one’s worse that which, and I really regret doing all those things. I hate the fact that I can never take back everything that I said and that certain thing that I have done.

During college, I studied Btec Art. The topic was “roots”, it was a really interesting topic, I showed who I am [or was] through that project, and for the final piece I drew how I saw myself [on an A1 canvas]. As I mentioned above, I was so pissed off this morning and I ended up tearing and throwing it away. I’m definitely the worst.

This is very tough. There are a lot of good memories I have experienced. During those moments, I wanted time to stop so that I can enjoy everything without worrying what the next day might bring. I’ve even met a lot of people. Majority of them stayed with me through the tough times, but some just vanished. Some made positive impacts whilst some gave me scars. Oh well, some people are really not meant to stay in our lives any way.

After putting some thought to it, 2007 has got to be the year! I want those art classes where Jeffrey and Stefan cursed each other. Well they cursed each other in a really funny way! One of the most memorable ones is: “your mum drinks shrek’s potion to be pretty” LOL I know it’s evil (to laugh) but their immaturity made us crack up until we could feel 6 pacs on our bellies.

Another reason why I wanted this year to be twice as long is that, I want those walks to be longer. I mean, Donna and I used to walk together to school, then, when home time comes, Stephanie, Erika, me, and Donna would walk together and stop by that corner shop. We would talk about everything that happened during the day. We would laugh until Donna reached her “heart attack laugh”. Aaahhhh this is becoming very emotional. Haha! Yeah 2007 is the year I wanted to last twice as long!!!

1.06 am

Yesterday, I had a dream, it was more like a nightmare though. Actually, it was not that scary to be called a nightmare, but oh well. This is how it went:

I was strolling around Oxford Street and a Sanrio shop apparently opened, so I walked in. As soon as I walked in to the shop, it turned into a run down place that resembled one of those abandoned barns. There was a big spiral stairs, I could not see the bottom, it resembled an abyss, and from that abyss, an old lady climbed up and said “tell me your story, lass”.

In my dream, I was talking but I couldn’t hear what I was saying, but I was talking. The old woman was sewing something whilst I talked, she would nod a couple of times. Then I turned, the old woman was there: standing, holding a knotted rope. I have no idea where the rope came from. Then I turned around again, the old woman was still sewing, so I continued talking to her, still, I could not hear what I was saying. The old woman spoke again.

“you will die in 17 days”. Those were the exact words she said before I opened my eyes. My heartbeat was still, the sun peeked through my window which irritated my eyes, since it was cold, I pulled the duvet and curled up. Those words bothered me.

Not exactly bothered, but, it made me think, what if I really am going to die in 17 days? People say that the opposite of your dream will occur in reality, and I don’t know what to think. I mean, if I have 17 days to live, would it be enough for me to leave this world satisfied? How would the people I care about take it? Is there anyone who will rejoice?

Okay, I am over thinking. Gosh! I hate it when a dream makes me think like this. I still can’t sleep. My body is exhausted, but my mind is wide awake - seeking for a conversation. I don’t even know anymore. Good morning!

A ray of hope

It’s been a while since I put my thoughts in to a post. It’s currently 1:39 am (GMT) and I am surrounded by a huge mess; literally, my room is such a big mess right now and I am trying to tidy up. You’re probably wondering why I’m blogging instead of concentrating on my chores, or why am I not sleeping? It’s this late and I am still up. Yes! You’re right! I’ve become a nocturnal being. 

Since the end of October, my sleeping pattern  has been ruined because of those bloody course works that we had to do and my Japanese exams too! I do not know if I should be pleased with the course works. I mean, Kris worked really hard and the things I contributed were nothing compared to what he did and no matter how much I wanted to help, I was useless! Well that was how I felt, probably because I was just too stressed out. As for the Japanese exams - I am speechless. Not because I was amazing or I did great, but I think I fucked up. Both written and oral exams were discussed from the very beginning of the semester and it feels like I did not pay enough attention even though I missed some of my lectures in order to attend Japanese. I worked hard. I really did! But, it feels as if I did not do enough, I could have done so much better, I could have improved a lot of things. I could have… I could have done so much better.

Also, the placement application is stressing me out. Mainly because I rarely have any time for it; there’s a lot of course works that has to be done, then exams are approaching, and we will have to tell the career advisers about the companies that we’re applying to and the job position. Fuck sake. I feel so hopeless and vulnerable. Nothing is going according to plan. I’m back to square one. 

I feel so hopeless. I need hope. Even if it’s just a ray of it to assure me that everything is going to be fine. Please.

I’m not quite sure if I actually miss my long hair, or I am just patronised by people who say that long hair suits me better.

I posted something this morning. That post about how today is going to be a good day, I was wrong. Nothing is going according to plan and ugh! It feels as if no matter how much effort I give into something it will never work out the way I want it to. It’s so sad. Very sad. I feel sorry for myself so touring have to feel sorry for me.

Autumn has arrived.

I like autumn. The yellow and red hues actually, the trees have become pretty and the temperature is dropping by the day. I don’t want winter to come. I want autumn to remain.